


Beautiful Boy Delinquent, Jan Valentine

by Scourgefan12



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25709797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scourgefan12/pseuds/Scourgefan12
Summary: One of Jan's greatest talents is making everyone he comes in contact with extremely uncomfortable.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	Beautiful Boy Delinquent, Jan Valentine

Luke was in a bit of an embarrassing situation. Not exactly the most surprising situation, but it was embarrassing nonetheless.

He was currently sat with his brother in the Major's private office. The two had been called there because apparently, Jan had been acting out, and Major wanted to talk to Luke about the incident that had occurred.

Oh, and Doc was there. Whether he'd been involved or just wanted to be present to watch Jan get scolded, Luke didn't know. Nor did he particularly care.

This was a very familiar scenario, actually. Luke could remember many times when Jan was still in school, they'd call home to report some trouble Jan had gotten in. Usually it was some sort of violence against other students, or being disrespectful toward the teachers. These calls usually resulted in Luke being summoned for a parent-teacher conference. Sure, Luke wasn't Jan's parent, nor even his legal guardian, but he was the only one in their family who was willing to actually show up.

So, Luke was right at home. He'd been through this song and dance enough times that it hardly came as a shock. Still, it was a little shameful having to do this again when his brother was a full grown adult.

"I'm sorry for calling you here on such short notice, I'm sure there are plenty of other things you would rather be doing." Despite his words, Major didn't sound too apologetic. He also didn't seem upset at all, despite being the one to call this meeting.

"No, trust me, I understand." He'd had to live with Jan even before joining Millennium, he knew full well what his brother could get up to when boredom struck. "Just... what happened?"

Major feigned deep thought for a moment before turning to the only other non-Valentine in the room. "Doktor, what happened?" He, of course, knew exactly what had went down. He just seemed to find it more amusing to have someone else recall it for him. In doing this he confirmed that Doc, in fact, had been involved.

Doc was not nearly as carefree about this as Major. He appeared to still be incredibly agitated, arms crossed and and casting a malice filled glare right at Jan. "Your sorry excuse for a brother doesn't know a thing about manners or personal boundaries."

"Yes, I know that, but what did he _do?_ "

Doc faltered a bit, getting uncomfortable at that question. He opened his mouth to respond a few times, but ended up closing it without a word each time. After a while he just looked away and blurted out the answer. "He just... started _stripping_ in the middle of his appointment." 

Luke blinked in shock. That... was certainly not what he'd been expecting. Jan may not have had a shred of decency in him, but he at least had common sense. Most of the time anyway, right now being a huge exception.

Once the answer sunk in, so did a feeling of disappointment. It may have been silly of him, but he'd expected better from Jan. Apparently "don't sexually harass our coworkers" was asking too much.

He turned to Jan, not bothering to hide what he was feeling at all when he spoke. "Why? Do you have a reason for doing this, or did it just seem fun?"

"Man, don't give me that shit. You know what a checkup from Doc is like." Apparently feeling no remorse, Jan jumped straight to the defensive. 

"I do. All you have to do is sit there and let him preform whatever tests he feels are necessary, and then you get to leave." Really, why would Jan make such a big deal out of that? One would think he'd never been to a doctor in his life. 

"Yeah, I know, but like... it's really fuckin' uncomfortable sometimes, alright?" 

Jan complaining about someone making him uncomfortable was hilarious, but Luke decided not to comment on that. "Uncomfortable how?" He was genuinely curious. Even when Doc went as far as to preform physicals, it was always professional and over quickly, so he couldn't quite grasp what Jan had a problem with. Not to mention, he was having trouble connecting the dots between Jan being a bit uncomfortable and deciding to just start taking his clothes off.

"He'll just keep doing shit like poking at me, and shining bright ass lights in my eyes, and he gets mad if I complain about it."

Yes. That's what doctors _did_. Nothing about that was out of the ordinary. Though, Luke could suspend his disbelief enough to consider that maybe Doc didn't bother being gentle with Jan, or would do things like ignore signs of pain. He likely just wanted to finish as soon as possible and send Jan on his way. 

Luke almost wanted to be upset at that thought, but he couldn't exactly blame Doc. With the way Jan acted, it was a wonder Doc acted civil with him at all. Though, after today that might not be the case anymore.

"And you decided that stripping would solve this problem... why?" 

"Well, cause, you know... I'm pretty stacked, so.." Jan gave a chuckle that bordered on nervous. "I figured I'd take my clothes off so he'd be too flustered to touch me." 

Ah. So like a lot of problems in his life, Jan's plan had been to cause the person he was upset with more discomfort than they were causing him.

Any shame Jan had been experiencing seemed to disappear as he let out an almost cocky laugh. "I think the blood must've rushed to both of Doc's heads, cause he got super embarrassed!"

Doc flushed at the accusation, his glare returning with a vengeance. "Don't flatter yourself, I was only embarrassed to have to witness something so disgusting."

Jan rolled his eyes, not buying that for a second. "Please, don't act like you didn't love it."

"You... are impossible." Doc didn't say anything more, knowing that any remark he made would just be twisted by Jan.

"Hey man, I know, you're welcome." He leaned back in his seat, looking unreasonably smug. "You know how it is, though. When you got the body of a god, it's only natural to wanna flaunt it."

This... was getting ridiculous. Luke wasn't sure how much more he could bear to listen to.

"I show my panties off to the boys all the time." Jan declared proudly. "And I mean, _all_ the time." 

Not only was that not something to be proud of, but it was just blatantly untrue. Luke knew damn well if it _were_ true, Jan would never shut up about it. 

"So you're welcome, Doc. Think of me during your text tug session." 

And, there it was. That was Luke's limit. He stood up and left the room without a hint of hesitation. 

\----------

Luke had discovered that Tubalcain Alhambra, or the Dandy Man as most called him, was one of the most tolerable members of Millennium. Hell, he'd go as far to say that Tubalcain was actually quite pleasant to be around, and that was more than could be said for everyone else in this place.

That wasn't to say that the others were bad people, though.

Actually, yes they certainly were. But so was Luke, so he couldn't exactly judge.

The others were just... a bit too eccentric for his taste. Rip was too energetic and playful for him to keep up with, Zorin was too easily angered and impulsive, the Captain couldn't speak at all which made conversing rather difficult, and Schrodinger was a child. At least, he looked and acted like one.

Tubalcain though, was someone he could get along with. Someone who he felt he could relate to, and not only because Tubalcain happened to be the only other non-Nazi in the organization. Excluding Jan, of course.

Tubalcain seemed to be one of the only people here with any manners, which was something that did not go unappreciated by Luke. He'd spent so much time around people who acted like honest to god children that it felt great to speak with someone who actually acted their age.

Despite being polite, he also wasn't boring. Quite the opposite, really. If anything, he seemed to flourish in social situations. He could easily carry a conversation, but would never dominate one unless he was asked to. He knew to strike the perfect balance between respectful discussion and witty banter, allowing Luke to talk to him for hours on end without even noticing how much time had passed.

To put it simply, Luke had finally made a friend. In all his life, this was the first time he'd managed to befriend someone who wasn't part of his immediate family. Not that he was going to let Tubalcain know that.

So, it came as no surprise that he was currently busy spending time with his friend.

The two of them were sat at a table in the rec room, and Tubalcain was explaining to him the differences between a few of the different types of poker. 

Luke may have been a bit uncultured, but he hadn't been previously aware that there were so many variations. He'd only recently learned how to play regular poker, which he'd been a bit embarrassed to not already know, but Tubalcain had seemed more than happy to teach him.

It was actually very interesting. He was having a bit of trouble memorizing what rules applied to which version of the game, but that was fine. It wasn't like he was expected to actually play any of these, at least not today.

He was so focused, both on Tubalcain's words and his own thoughts, that he didn't even notice a certain little annoyance approaching. He didn't notice until they sat right next to him, startling him and effectively breaking his focus.

Luke looked over, doing his best to keep his aggravation out of his voice. "Jan. Can I help you?"

"Did you want to join us?" Tubalcain offered, more than happy to share his knowledge with a wider audience. 

"Nah, don't worry, I'll be outta your hair in a second." Jan assured them. "I just thought maybe _I_ could help _you_."

Oh, this would be good. What did Jan think they needed help with? "Go on then, I'm all ears."

"Just thought you guys should know for future reference, I'm pretty sure the warehouse has condoms lying around."

It was said so casually that it took Luke's brain a moment to fully process it. Once he did though, he could feel the blood rush to his face. "What- What are you talking about? We don't need those!"

"Oh, okay. I see." Jan nodded as if a realization had just dawned on him. "So you just let dudes unload inside you, then? Pretty gross, but I guess I ain't judging."

This was humiliating. What was Luke even supposed to say to that? He had a feeling no matter what argument he made, Jan would find a way to make it sound bad.

To make matters worse, Tubalcain was laughing. He was trying to hold back, covering his mouth with his hand, but he was clearly in a fit of hysterics.

Luke decided against saying anything, just staring at the ground in shame.

"Well, that's about it for me." Jan, apparently satisfied with the damage he'd caused, took that as his cue to leave. He stood, giving his brother an encouraging pat on the shoulder. "You two have fun, see ya later."

**Author's Note:**

> Actual, well structured jokes will get nothing out of me but "jan make sex joke" will send me into a fucking fit. This is so immature, I'm sorry  
> But also, Jan and Miu.... same character. I felt like I had to


End file.
